Thoughts

I'm a mess. I've learned that with G-d its safer sometimes to say nothing at all than to think you have anything right. Every time I think I have a hold on something G-d shows me exactly how little I can actually hold onto it. It's kind of annoying.

Why am I so scared of work? Why do I fear pain? Why do I avoid physical discomfort with every cell in my body? Is this all I'm made for? To fear what I'm going to feel? That's not living. That's hiding. I have so little control over myself. Sure I can stop myself from hitting someone, but what's to stop me for brutally murdering him in my mind. You can control yourself? Good for you. So can a dog. What makes us human is that we can control our minds and our desires. The only problem is that it is the hardest act you will ever do. It's like killing yourself every second of every day. And it's not a painless death. Killing who you are so that the Mind of Chr-st can reside in you is like ripping every inch of skin from yourself. It takes a lot of will power and concentration. And frankly sometimes it's not worth it. Living for myself is the most fun way to live. Unfortunately I have this annoying thing called a conscience. When I live for myself, it doesn't let me sleep till I am completely distraught. Who thought that Jimmeny Cricket could be this annoying?

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Chr-st J-s-s." Such simple words. But as the saying goes "Talk is cheap". "He will not let you be tempted above what you are able." That's not what it feels like most of the time. Most of the time if feels like anything the Devil's got is being thrown at me, whether I can stand it or not. Who am I, fighting this titan who knows me more intamatley than I know myself? I am starting to see how foolish it is to fight Satan by myself. He's not all knowing. But he knows enough. He's not omnipresent. But he has enough servants. He's not all powerful. But he is a lot stronger than me. He's not infinite. But he's less finite than I. I need prayer. Plain and simple. I'm a proud pompous SOB who thinks he's strong enough to defy an angelic being. For that alone I deserve hell fire. I don't know why G-d loves me but for some reason he's really patient with me. Pray for me. Not that I'll be given the strength to fight the temptations that strike me every day. Not that I'll be able to have a proper view of the world. Pray that I lose my prideful "Christian school" attitude. Pray that I need G-d more. I don't trust him enough. Heck I don't trust him at all. Stupid western upbringing. Heh, as much as I want to I'm too scared to pray to G-d for brokenness. I don't know what that prayer will bring, all I know is that my life will be destroyed. And I don't think I'm ready for that.

Now on to what sparked my desire to write. I don't deserve my girlfriend. I was reading her blog and she was talking about how G-d's doing "amazing" things in her life. I'm listed under that as and obvious thing. I don't know what I did to deserve that but I'd really like to know. At shack tonight we were discussing how repentance comes from changing what you believe. And it struck me right then that I don't believe the right thing about Jessica. I've noticed a bad trend in me lately. I've gotten extremely selfish of this absolutely amazing girl. I get jealous when she spends time with other people. I feel cheated when I can't spend at least an hour or two with her every night. WTF is up with that attitude. When did I become the most important person in the world that I deserve time with someone every night. Sure it's a natural feeling to want to spend copious amounts of time with someone you really like. But last time I checked, thats borderline abusive to feel jealous that that person wants to spend time with someone else. I've come to realize that not only is this selfishness on my part, but I'm also objectifying her. I treating her as this thing that is there only to please me. And that's not how it is nor should be. I need a change in my perspective. In what I believe about her. I need to see her as a beautiful girl who is gracious enough to put up with my awkwardness and social ill grace. A girl who is willing to take valubable time out of her day to listen to my small and typically blown-out-of-proportions problems. I could use everyone's prayer on this. Pray that I will see Jessica as G-d sees her: A beautiful creation that is living for him with every breath. Frankly I need to put G-d first. I need to put G-d first, Jessica second, and myself after everyone else.

Yeah this was a weird one. I don't know what I was typing most of the time. Heck I don't know what I am asking ya'll to pray for. Just pray for me in general. I just need a lot of work.