New Year

Well I am a few days away from the start of a new semester and I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'm excited. I'm excited to be back in Columbia, not so much for the city, but for all my friends here. It's nice to be back in this place where I'm only a few blocks from some of my best friends. I do mourn the fact that I was unable to see anyone from highschool over the break but sometimes life does that to you. I had a pretty good time over the break. I got some cool presents, got to see some people I haven't seen in a while, and got to see some pretty cool places and do some cool things. I was kind of sad that I couldn't be in Columbia over new years and see my friends but I guess there's always next year. I had a good time anyway. I was once again reminded of the brotherhood of all believers. If you ever want to know that God is really real just go to a church where you know either no one or very few people and take part in a prayer circle. It is an awesome feeling to look at someone and have no idea what to pray for and then ask for guidance and suddenly feel words placed in your mind. I really enjoyed that. Then afterwards I enjoyed a discussion on faith and belief with a man who was older than me. It was nice to see that getting older doesn't answer all your questions, that it is okay to ask questions.

I have been having some spiritual struggles lately. Nothing exactly I can put into words. Just general doubts. I've been questioning if I really believe and if so what exactly I believe in. I think this is an important process in any Christians life. Belief that is not attached to yourself really isn't belief. It's also kinda a struggle because this is something I've always lived with so by doubting this I'm doubting every other aspect of my life and whether or not I've lived for nothing.

Other things in my life. I've realized that I need to be stronger in my convictions and how I stand up for those convictions. I don't have a problem having convictions, I have a problem standing up for myself. If I have a problem with something or if someone challenges my conviction I'll tell them I have a problem or that I really do believe that. However, if they persist I just quickly drop it or act like I've changed my belief just to get out of the conflict. I think part of this comes from me as a highschooler. When I was in junior high and high school my plan was to stay below the radar so people would not take notice. I didn't follow rules to not get in trouble but so that if I did break the rules people would think well of me and not get as mad at me. I've lived a lot of my life doing everything I can to stay out of conflict. The problem is that when I have a serious topic I need to discuss or that someone else needs to discuss with me, I shut down very easily. Seriously, if I feel any conflict starting, I will immediately stop what ever I was saying or listening to to stop the conflict. It's good if I was always getting into fights but since this is just in conversations it is becoming a problem. So I guess my resolution is to try and work on becoming a braver and stronger person who can deal with conflict.

Other stuff. I just finished reading the book "The Golden Compass" by Philip Pullman. If you've never heard of "The Golden Compass", it is the newest center of controversy. Published in 1995 this book is the first in a three part series Philip Pullman wrote as the opposite of C. S. Lewis's acclaimed "Chronicles of Narnia" series. This book was made into a movie of the same title released this Christmas. Philip Pullman is not a big fan of the Church, in particular the Catholic Church. He himself said "I'm trying to undermine the basis of Christian Belief" (See Here). I'm not going to discuss the movie (I haven't seen it), I'm going to talk a little about the book. After reading the book, I can see why the Catholic Church and groups like focus on the family would be in such outrage. The books portray the religious authorities as evil conniving people who are willing to go to any length to keep children in the Church, even if it means killing them. Basically he says not that religion is bad but that the people who say they know everything about religion are evil. This does not bode well for the Catholic Church or Focus on the Family. While I do not agree with Pullman on everything or even fully on this issue I do think it is something that all Christians should keep in mind. Being a Christian is not about what music you listen to, how you dress, or even what you say. It is all about how you live. If you listen to the right music, dress right and say all the right things but live like your better than everyone else (which you probably will) you probably aren't truly a Christian. To be a Christian you must live loving everyone else and putting every other person above you. Screaming at people why they are going to hell is not being a Christian because you are exalting yourself about them. Singing songs about loving God then refusing to even listen to a homeless person or some hardcore kid with his hair in a mohawk is not being a Christian. Christ came into this world and loved the most hated people of his time and he rarely told people (and never large crowds) that he was perfect and that without him they were going to go to hell. Christ came and people listened to him not because he was perfect but because he was different. He came and he shook things up. I just think that sometimes groups like Focus on the Family lose sight of that and focus too much on the externals. God is all about the internals.

Well that's about it.