Feelings

I don't like feelings. They confuse me. Things are just a lot easier when you don't have to feel. Love is such a weird emotion/feeling/state-of-being. I used to think I knew what "love" meant. Now I've come to see how confusing and imprecise that word is. What is love? Is it what one feels for a good friend? Is it what one feels for a parent or other relative? No matter how you look at it there is no simple explanation for love. Christian school teaches you to answer the question "What is love?" with the rote response "Love is putting another's wants, needs, and desires ahead of one's own." Sure that's a good response and I think it actually is a good definition of this insanely complex word. But what does that mean to put another's desires ahead of your own. Does it mean that you should always be miserable as long as others are happy? Is it even humanly possible to put another's wants and needs ahead of mine without having some sort of ulterior motive? If I show a friend love am I showing them love for no other reason than that I should love them or am I trying to stay in their good graces?

I find that, yes, my relationships are better when I love others, but most of the time it's the hardest thing to do. I have to say the one thing I hate most about Christians today is the annoying way in which they describe the Christian life. They try and describe it as giving up your life to God but once you do you'll absolutely love your life. I think a lot less people would go to church if they actually had to unconditionally love others. I know that I wouldn't. Yes I try to love people unconditionally, but when someone comments on the quality of service you're providing and they are completely rude that makes it so much harder to love them and I typically don't love them. The hardest thing in Christianity is not dying to self, not obeying God. The hardest thing any human could ever be asked to do is to love people especially when they don't deserve your love. It's really hard to love people who kill others for no reason; it's really hard to love people who protest at funerals for something the grieving family is not at fault for. And yet these are the people I'm called to love the most.